September 16, 2012

This is my attempt to find the good in myself, my healing process, my experiences, my challenges, and my life.

I hope in doing this that I can not only process the pain, but find the meaning and the beauty in this path I have to walk to become healthy, happy & whole (if that's possible, I hope).

It's a place to look for the silver lining, look for the strengths I have gained, look for the good in myself, and in the world around me.  It is so hard for me to see these things.  But I will never find them if I don't look...

So this is me, trying out alternatives.  Writing my story from a different perspective.  Looking at myself in a different light.

Trying to find self love.  Trying to find self confidence.  Trying to find something among the broken pieces, of me, of my life.

I had no choice but to take this path...  But maybe I will find a stray wildflower, along the way.  Maybe the sun will shine down on me.  Maybe I will find something beautiful where I never expected to find it.

My mind says I'm crazy to even try...  But what do I have to lose?

Right now I am feeling very bad about the fact that I have regained some of the weight I lost...  It makes me feel terrible about myself.  I will try to focus on what I can do to improve it and achieve my previous weight, and my being physically toned & fit.

I will also try instead to focus on everything I have done instead.  Yes, my health/weight/pain issues have gotten out of control, and I have become too sedentary because R spends a lot of time watching TV, (and has for the last month been to ill to do much of anything else) and I am usually in much pain.

But I also have been doing a lot.  With R being so sick, (and many other things) I have been by his side through all the hospitalizations & surgeries.  I have supported him, and loved him, and cared for him, and all my energy has gone to that, and coping with all the stress, and fear of watching someone I love suffer so much, and go through kidney failure he very nearly didn't recover from.

I have gotten in excellent physical condition before, and I can do it again.  My only fear is that between R's leaving his job and starting up his own business, and all the stress and uncertainty of that, and if I get into that therapy group that lasts most of the year, I will be getting myself into more than I can handle, especially with trying to exercise at the same time.

I hope that I can handle all this--I didn't expect everything to go KA-BOOM! all at once when I put my name on the waiting list 3/4 of a year ago...