The road(s) not taken...

I was looking at my friend L's facebook page today...  She is expecting a baby very soon, so I was looking to see if she had had her little girl yet.  Which is hard enough, painful enough.  Then I started looking at some of her facebook photos and I saw 2 girls she became best friends with after I left...  And all the photos of her having fun with, and hanging out with, so many girlfriends, and it made me feel very sad.  I can't help but wonder what my life would have been like, if things had been different, if she & I had stayed friends...  If I had stayed outgoing, social, like I was with her, would that have been my life too?  Would I have friends now?  Would it be so hard for me...  Would I be so alone?  How different would/could my life have been, if only the things that happened to me, hadn't happened to me?  Useless thinking I know, but it makes me wonder who I could have been, if I had not been traumatized.  Could I have been like her?  Would we still be best friends, instead of virtual strangers?  Would I know some of the girls in those pictures?  Would I have experienced "having fun"?  Would I know what that was?

What though the radiance which was once so bright

Be now for ever taken from my sight,

Though nothing can bring back the hour

Of splendour in the grass, of glory in the flower;

We will grieve not, rather find

Strength in what remains behind;

In the primal sympathy

Which having been must ever be;

In the soothing thoughts that spring

Out of human suffering;

In the faith that looks through death,

In years that bring the philosophic mind.

~ Stanza X of Intimations of Immortality from Recollections of Early

Childhood by William Wordsworth. 

The Positive in Today: September 16, 2012

What was good about today...  Today we went out, and I got some desperately needed fresh air.  The sun was shining, for the second day in a row, and it was a beautiful day.  After being housebound for the better part of a month, it has been 2 days of much-needed space, air, and light.

We went out shopping, and for the first time in ages, not just for food (which I am really starting to hate).  All the Zellers locations are closing down, and selling off everything--literally everything, including chairs, tables, display cases, all of it.  

It has come at a very fortuitous time for us, because we have been able to find R some  cheap, used business supplies to start his practice.  Binders (tons, and tons and tons of binders), clips, clip boards, staple removers, index tabs, tape dispensers, in & out boxes, organizers, we looked at a giant white board, BIG filing cabinets, some really nice chairs, there was a really awesome wooden cabinet that originally was used for storing jeans...  It was fun.  

We went to two, and the first one, the woman was so nice and so helpful, and she showed us around everywhere, so we got to see all the areas in Zellers you never get to see.  It was really interesting, and getting to look in the offices for whatever we might find--it was kind of like going on a scavenger hunt.  And now we know which other ones are closing down so we can get in there at the beginning of the closing sales.  We came pretty late to these ones, but still did pretty well.  

It is a small thing, but so many things have gone wrong for us, that even small things are worth paying attention to & being thankful for.

It is the first day since the surgery (and since this all started) that R did not need his pain medication at all today. He took the stents out late last night (or early this morning) and it wasn't very pleasant, but he hasn't had the severe pain that the doctor said he might have when they were removed.

I bought some things to decorate for C's birthday today, and talked to her briefly about her party.  She wants to have it at the beginning of October (because of party-scheduling conflicts with 2 of her friends over the next 2 weekends).  

And I had a very yummy raspberry jelly doughnut from Tim Horton's for dessert today :).

R turned off the TV and we spent some time together.

I think that is a pretty good list of positive things for today...  It's a beginning.

"When You Can Tell the Story, and it Doesn't Bring Up Any Pain, You Know it is Healed."

"I am beautiful because I know who I am, and who I can become."

September 16, 2012

This is my attempt to find the good in myself, my healing process, my experiences, my challenges, and my life.

I hope in doing this that I can not only process the pain, but find the meaning and the beauty in this path I have to walk to become healthy, happy & whole (if that's possible, I hope).

It's a place to look for the silver lining, look for the strengths I have gained, look for the good in myself, and in the world around me.  It is so hard for me to see these things.  But I will never find them if I don't look...

So this is me, trying out alternatives.  Writing my story from a different perspective.  Looking at myself in a different light.

Trying to find self love.  Trying to find self confidence.  Trying to find something among the broken pieces, of me, of my life.

I had no choice but to take this path...  But maybe I will find a stray wildflower, along the way.  Maybe the sun will shine down on me.  Maybe I will find something beautiful where I never expected to find it.

My mind says I'm crazy to even try...  But what do I have to lose?

Right now I am feeling very bad about the fact that I have regained some of the weight I lost...  It makes me feel terrible about myself.  I will try to focus on what I can do to improve it and achieve my previous weight, and my being physically toned & fit.

I will also try instead to focus on everything I have done instead.  Yes, my health/weight/pain issues have gotten out of control, and I have become too sedentary because R spends a lot of time watching TV, (and has for the last month been to ill to do much of anything else) and I am usually in much pain.

But I also have been doing a lot.  With R being so sick, (and many other things) I have been by his side through all the hospitalizations & surgeries.  I have supported him, and loved him, and cared for him, and all my energy has gone to that, and coping with all the stress, and fear of watching someone I love suffer so much, and go through kidney failure he very nearly didn't recover from.

I have gotten in excellent physical condition before, and I can do it again.  My only fear is that between R's leaving his job and starting up his own business, and all the stress and uncertainty of that, and if I get into that therapy group that lasts most of the year, I will be getting myself into more than I can handle, especially with trying to exercise at the same time.

I hope that I can handle all this--I didn't expect everything to go KA-BOOM! all at once when I put my name on the waiting list 3/4 of a year ago...