It's half an hour before the party... I should be putting the tables together, but most of it is done and I just need some space to quietly deal with my emotions, because I am feeling really emotional and upset, and worried, now, too.
Last night, R & I got in another bad fight, over pop, of all stupid things. It was late, and I was exhausted, I don't know what he was.
He talked to me about it today while we were out having lunch and picking up the cake. And I started to cry a bit, and had to tell him that I understood he was hurt, but how he is threatening to leave me--twice--this last week is... really affecting me. I don't know that I was that eloquent, but I at least managed to say that is why I was crying.
Then, on the way home, (and on the way there, even though he was acting and talking normally, he wouldn't hold my hand, so I knew he was still angry at me) he tells me that he is under a lot of stress right now, and not handling it well. That he spent several hours last night thinking about suicide and he knows how to do it, that would be simple and effective. I got tearful again and told him that I didn't want him to die.
Then he told me that some bad things have happened recently that I don't know about, and he is afraid to tell me because of how I react to things. But he wouldn't tell me what it/they were. All he would say is that he will talk to me about it when he is ready to. Which, in itself, is worrying.
Now, in addition to feeling pretty emotionally traumatized between last night & now, my mind keeps cycling through all the things bad enough that he would say that, feel that way, and be worried about my reaction... The bank won't let him access his RRSPs because his line of credit is in arrears. His brother called up and refused to help him. One, horrifying possibility just hit me, and that is that the student loans people who have been after him for some time have taken the entire savings in his RRSPs right as he is about to start this business. That is the only thing I can think of that is really, really bad. He has briefly left to take a look at a closing Canadian Tire. So I had some time alone. I will have to deal with the tables & snacks soon.
I so don't feel up to this now. I could do everything. But not when there's a whole bunch of emotional upheaval going on, I have a terrible time functioning.
He seemed very upset that his clients would be coming with him, that J said he was going to tell the clients to go with him. That should be a good thing, but instead he is highly stressed. Oh my stomach is upset from the spicy chicken strips I had to have (regular ones were recalled) where we picked up C's cake.
I am trying to fortify myself to go down there and do what I need to do. I am so stressed now.
It has to be that. The RRSPs were taken. That's got to be it. I'd worry about his health, but since he has been sick so long I don't think anything could have happened that I did not already know about--he had no tests, unless he somehow magically went to get his kidney function test done and it was bad, and he somehow got the results. But there was not enough time for that, and he'd be sick if his kidneys were failing again, I'd know. He would be throwing up.
Okay, 9 minutes to go time. I have to get it together, and try not to feel sick with worry...
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