It's half an hour before the party... I should be putting the tables together, but most of it is done and I just need some space to quietly deal with my emotions, because I am feeling really emotional and upset, and worried, now, too.
Last night, R & I got in another bad fight, over pop, of all stupid things. It was late, and I was exhausted, I don't know what he was.
He talked to me about it today while we were out having lunch and picking up the cake. And I started to cry a bit, and had to tell him that I understood he was hurt, but how he is threatening to leave me--twice--this last week is... really affecting me. I don't know that I was that eloquent, but I at least managed to say that is why I was crying.
Then, on the way home, (and on the way there, even though he was acting and talking normally, he wouldn't hold my hand, so I knew he was still angry at me) he tells me that he is under a lot of stress right now, and not handling it well. That he spent several hours last night thinking about suicide and he knows how to do it, that would be simple and effective. I got tearful again and told him that I didn't want him to die.
Then he told me that some bad things have happened recently that I don't know about, and he is afraid to tell me because of how I react to things. But he wouldn't tell me what it/they were. All he would say is that he will talk to me about it when he is ready to. Which, in itself, is worrying.
Now, in addition to feeling pretty emotionally traumatized between last night & now, my mind keeps cycling through all the things bad enough that he would say that, feel that way, and be worried about my reaction... The bank won't let him access his RRSPs because his line of credit is in arrears. His brother called up and refused to help him. One, horrifying possibility just hit me, and that is that the student loans people who have been after him for some time have taken the entire savings in his RRSPs right as he is about to start this business. That is the only thing I can think of that is really, really bad. He has briefly left to take a look at a closing Canadian Tire. So I had some time alone. I will have to deal with the tables & snacks soon.
I so don't feel up to this now. I could do everything. But not when there's a whole bunch of emotional upheaval going on, I have a terrible time functioning.
He seemed very upset that his clients would be coming with him, that J said he was going to tell the clients to go with him. That should be a good thing, but instead he is highly stressed. Oh my stomach is upset from the spicy chicken strips I had to have (regular ones were recalled) where we picked up C's cake.
I am trying to fortify myself to go down there and do what I need to do. I am so stressed now.
It has to be that. The RRSPs were taken. That's got to be it. I'd worry about his health, but since he has been sick so long I don't think anything could have happened that I did not already know about--he had no tests, unless he somehow magically went to get his kidney function test done and it was bad, and he somehow got the results. But there was not enough time for that, and he'd be sick if his kidneys were failing again, I'd know. He would be throwing up.
Okay, 9 minutes to go time. I have to get it together, and try not to feel sick with worry...
Saturday, October 6, 2012
Friday, October 5, 2012
October 5, 2012
I am soooooooooooo tired.
Tired, tired, tired. I just had to sit down. I have to leave for my appointment in about 35 minutes... Should be using it to work, but I just am so worn out.
Last night, I made a decoration out of cascading curling ribbons--I was really proud of myself, because I finally learned how to curl ribbon! It took a really long time, and quite a bit of trial and error (it never seems to curl right or enough the first time around) but it looks really pretty. I want to try and make one more, but I will see if I have time to do it. I used all the colours of the colour scheme and it turned out really well--blue, white, pink, green, yellow, purple (no orange). You'd think being this close to Hallowe'en, there would be more orange! Balloons, curling ribbon... But no.
Anyway I have been up since 10 AM working my tail off... I have basically got all the cleaning done downstairs, the room looks great, my bedroom (where everything had to be stored) is a disaster, again :(.
Just as I get it cleaned and manageable for organizing... *sigh* Oh well, I just have to remember I am doing this for my child.
I still have to get ready for my appointment, too. Damn it.
There are a few small details left--find the games for the kinect, PS 2 & Wii (which has to be brought downstairs)... The games need to be put on that table and put away tidily. But overall, it is ready for decorating. Probably could use a vacuuming too, but, decorating needs to be my next priority.
I really wish that I did not have this appointment *sigh* so much wasted time and energy, I really should have cancelled this week. Nothing I can do about it now though, and things were very up in the air until the last couple of days.
I just hope, PLEASE let us get good weather tomorrow.
I have a little time but I am not sure if I should start or just leave it until I get home... Probably I should leave it until I get home since I really do not have time to do much of anything besides get ready.
I guess I may as well get myself ready now and then see what time it is when I am finished.
Tired, tired, tired. I just had to sit down. I have to leave for my appointment in about 35 minutes... Should be using it to work, but I just am so worn out.
Last night, I made a decoration out of cascading curling ribbons--I was really proud of myself, because I finally learned how to curl ribbon! It took a really long time, and quite a bit of trial and error (it never seems to curl right or enough the first time around) but it looks really pretty. I want to try and make one more, but I will see if I have time to do it. I used all the colours of the colour scheme and it turned out really well--blue, white, pink, green, yellow, purple (no orange). You'd think being this close to Hallowe'en, there would be more orange! Balloons, curling ribbon... But no.
Anyway I have been up since 10 AM working my tail off... I have basically got all the cleaning done downstairs, the room looks great, my bedroom (where everything had to be stored) is a disaster, again :(.
Just as I get it cleaned and manageable for organizing... *sigh* Oh well, I just have to remember I am doing this for my child.
I still have to get ready for my appointment, too. Damn it.
There are a few small details left--find the games for the kinect, PS 2 & Wii (which has to be brought downstairs)... The games need to be put on that table and put away tidily. But overall, it is ready for decorating. Probably could use a vacuuming too, but, decorating needs to be my next priority.
I really wish that I did not have this appointment *sigh* so much wasted time and energy, I really should have cancelled this week. Nothing I can do about it now though, and things were very up in the air until the last couple of days.
I just hope, PLEASE let us get good weather tomorrow.
I have a little time but I am not sure if I should start or just leave it until I get home... Probably I should leave it until I get home since I really do not have time to do much of anything besides get ready.
I guess I may as well get myself ready now and then see what time it is when I am finished.
October 4, 2012
I feel like I'm dying... Oh my god. It's been so long since I've spent a full day on my feet I had forgotten how much it HURTS. Even with pain meds and muscle relaxants... I've taken more today than I've taken in a day since I increased my seizure meds. I just hope it doesn't knock me out today or tomorrow, because I am dead already, and I have an appointment tomorrow, and I only have tomorrow and early Saturday (if we stay here) to clean, decorate, and find a badminton set... Not only has this been exhausting and painful, it's also been expensive, why do I always think, oh well, we'll just get snacks & pizza and do it at home, it won't cost much (ha ha ha ha ha). It inevitably never works out that way.
I had to spend more than necessary too, because I had to buy things I already have... somewhere. In the lost "birthday box". Which I had organized so I had most of what I could possibly need for streamers and balloons. But I decided, everything having gone wrong today that possibly could, that I was not taking any chances of having to run around to any other stores to pick anything up. As it is, I still have to find that badminton set/racquets/birdies/net that I had no luck finding today... And buy the cake, and the pizza... And a fruit and veggie platter. I don't know if I am even going there, considering how much this all cost--health be damned for one day. These kids can get their healthy diets at home.
I had hoped, planned, that I'd go to the chiropractor, run in to the dollar store quickly and while I was doing that I may as well get my prescriptions filled since I am 2-3 weeks late doing so, and it wasn't happening otherwise. Except I get to the pharmacy, to find out that my prescription, that was supposed to be for 3 months with 2 refills, had run into yet another snafu... Again, I thought getting 3 months would make my life easier since I could then just call into the pharmacy and have it delivered which is hard enough these days (or I wouldn't be 2-3 weeks behind). But, every time, without fail, some problem or other has cropped up and it never seems to work out the way I hope it will, either.
So it turned out that I had no prescription on file for any Tylenol 3s whatsoever. Which prompted me to have to run to Dr. Leung's, who wasn't there, and the locum would only take 3 patients every half hour. So I waited for about an hour there, in all my spare time I spelled out exactly what meds I take and how much I take each month, so she would know what I needed to get the 3 month refill of. That seems to work out well, and she gave it to me. Well, I get to the pharmacy only to find out that, unknown to us, the prescription has been written wrong, and, as a result the "3 months" only gives me one month of Tylenol. Which allowed me to get the meds I needed today (the others I fortunately did have a prescription on file for that I needed), but I do not want to have to go through this again a month from now, so I asked them if they could call her and fix the problem. They said they would, so hopefully that will work out, and I left, to finally go to the dollar store--way, way, WAY later than I expected to be doing what I thought was going to be my first quick stop.
I had a short list: balloons, a drink, so I could take my medicine & not perish of dehydration during the time I was out (my water bottle needs to be cleaned as the water sitting in it is positively rancid), plates if I could, by some miracle, find matching plates to the original ones I bought. And ribbon, the kind I tie the balloons with, and you can curl. Not much luck, that was the next thing to go wrong, none of that was there except the ribbon, and the drink. But, over the course of the day (and 3 different dollar stores) I was able to find ribbon in matching colours to the colour scheme (based on the flowers on the original plates I bought). Except for orange, I found them all, and, I think, good matches to the plates.
Next I took the skytrain to the mall. I started at the big dollar store there, figuring I would be able to find the balloons I needed there. No. But, I did find 2 tablecloths (I bought 2 at Walmart yesterday, but, I didn't have the plates with me to colour-match, so I bought these ones, figuring I could always return the ones to Walmart, and they were the same price. I bought 2 sets of plates, one in pink, and one in green, to match the table cloths (decided to forego the colourless white I had originally bought), and bought yellow cups, (even though I already had blue, they had cupcakes on them and were a bit little kiddish, but, when I got them, they were the best match I had). The yellow was not my favourite colour for the cups, but, pink plates with the green table cloth and green plates with the pink, I decided that pink cups and plates, and green cups and plates, was a little much. And, since the napkins I got are blue (and a perfect colour match to the plates), then, I would have all the colours together (except the orange, of course).
Probably my best find at that particular dollar store, were these lovely butterflies with ribbons cascading down from them, and, all in the colour-scheme--pink, yellow, green, purple (not orange, again).
I had to spend more than necessary too, because I had to buy things I already have... somewhere. In the lost "birthday box". Which I had organized so I had most of what I could possibly need for streamers and balloons. But I decided, everything having gone wrong today that possibly could, that I was not taking any chances of having to run around to any other stores to pick anything up. As it is, I still have to find that badminton set/racquets/birdies/net that I had no luck finding today... And buy the cake, and the pizza... And a fruit and veggie platter. I don't know if I am even going there, considering how much this all cost--health be damned for one day. These kids can get their healthy diets at home.
I had hoped, planned, that I'd go to the chiropractor, run in to the dollar store quickly and while I was doing that I may as well get my prescriptions filled since I am 2-3 weeks late doing so, and it wasn't happening otherwise. Except I get to the pharmacy, to find out that my prescription, that was supposed to be for 3 months with 2 refills, had run into yet another snafu... Again, I thought getting 3 months would make my life easier since I could then just call into the pharmacy and have it delivered which is hard enough these days (or I wouldn't be 2-3 weeks behind). But, every time, without fail, some problem or other has cropped up and it never seems to work out the way I hope it will, either.
So it turned out that I had no prescription on file for any Tylenol 3s whatsoever. Which prompted me to have to run to Dr. Leung's, who wasn't there, and the locum would only take 3 patients every half hour. So I waited for about an hour there, in all my spare time I spelled out exactly what meds I take and how much I take each month, so she would know what I needed to get the 3 month refill of. That seems to work out well, and she gave it to me. Well, I get to the pharmacy only to find out that, unknown to us, the prescription has been written wrong, and, as a result the "3 months" only gives me one month of Tylenol. Which allowed me to get the meds I needed today (the others I fortunately did have a prescription on file for that I needed), but I do not want to have to go through this again a month from now, so I asked them if they could call her and fix the problem. They said they would, so hopefully that will work out, and I left, to finally go to the dollar store--way, way, WAY later than I expected to be doing what I thought was going to be my first quick stop.
I had a short list: balloons, a drink, so I could take my medicine & not perish of dehydration during the time I was out (my water bottle needs to be cleaned as the water sitting in it is positively rancid), plates if I could, by some miracle, find matching plates to the original ones I bought. And ribbon, the kind I tie the balloons with, and you can curl. Not much luck, that was the next thing to go wrong, none of that was there except the ribbon, and the drink. But, over the course of the day (and 3 different dollar stores) I was able to find ribbon in matching colours to the colour scheme (based on the flowers on the original plates I bought). Except for orange, I found them all, and, I think, good matches to the plates.
Next I took the skytrain to the mall. I started at the big dollar store there, figuring I would be able to find the balloons I needed there. No. But, I did find 2 tablecloths (I bought 2 at Walmart yesterday, but, I didn't have the plates with me to colour-match, so I bought these ones, figuring I could always return the ones to Walmart, and they were the same price. I bought 2 sets of plates, one in pink, and one in green, to match the table cloths (decided to forego the colourless white I had originally bought), and bought yellow cups, (even though I already had blue, they had cupcakes on them and were a bit little kiddish, but, when I got them, they were the best match I had). The yellow was not my favourite colour for the cups, but, pink plates with the green table cloth and green plates with the pink, I decided that pink cups and plates, and green cups and plates, was a little much. And, since the napkins I got are blue (and a perfect colour match to the plates), then, I would have all the colours together (except the orange, of course).
Probably my best find at that particular dollar store, were these lovely butterflies with ribbons cascading down from them, and, all in the colour-scheme--pink, yellow, green, purple (not orange, again).
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